


Details

by Themaidsdiaries



Category: All Creatures Great and Small (TV), All Creatures Great and Small - James Herriot
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, F/F, Idiots in Love, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:01:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28486524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Themaidsdiaries/pseuds/Themaidsdiaries
Summary: Siegfried is trying to deal with dating while Mrs. Hall is trying to ignore her own feelings. 1938 it's not an easy year for them.
Relationships: Siegfried Farnon & Mrs. Hall, Siegfried Farnon / Dorothy, Siegfried Farnon/Mrs. Hall
Comments: 31
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my native language. Please, forgive my typos and mistakes.

January, 1938

"You must be excited, Siegfried." James commented as he smiled looking at the older man.

“And apprehensive. It is the first time that I will gone out to dinner with a woman in a long time.” Audrey smiles with her head down. Man and his insecurities, it is funny how much the possibility of a dinner managed to affect him in those last days. As if the idea of the invitation hadn't come from him.

"With any luck you won't be able to spoil the whole night, big brother." Tristan's teasing was not fully absorbed by his brother. He was too worried, too anxious. He would certainly talk too much at the time and end more than once, putting his foot into his mouth. Dorothy would have more work with him than she had ever imagined.

“Perhaps this is a step too large to be taken. I think I could ask her out to dinner on some other occasion.” He said thoughtfully, trying to convince himself that time would bring him more courage.

"Nonsense. If you keep dodging like that you won't lose your fear, Mr. Farnon.” She intervened giving him support and a meaningful look. Siegfried looked at her closely for a long time and nodded.

"See? Even Mrs. H agrees that it's time for you to put youself out there. Just invite her and enjoy the night. Expectations have already been created and have been fueled ever since, there is nothing to avoid.” Tristan said with his mouth full of food and only then did Siegfried look away from her. Her support meant a lot, she knew it, so did he.

"Very well, but if everything goes wrong I will blame you all."

"And when is it your fault that something happens here?" Audrey said sarcastically and turned her attention to the plate in front of her. Her hunger was gone.

"Exactly." Tristan continued and exchanged a look with James, who couldn't help but smile. "Well, now that Siegfried has finally decided to venture into the dating world, that leaves you Mrs. H."

The three men focused on her and Audrey felt tense, suddenly aware of her situation and what Tristan meant by that. Yes, she was alone. Yes, she was alone for a long time. But no, she had no intention of getting involved with anyone. Relationships were a complication she didn't want. Most of the times he was barely able to deal with her own feelings.

“Oh no, I don't want to know anything about dating. Men are not a necessary evil for me.” She answered sure of herself, or as sure as she could sound.

"Why not? Look at you, each day more radiant, young and beautiful. So why keep hiding inside this house all day? Nobody's going to find you here.” Tristan didn't want to sound impolite, she was well aware of that. But his comment bothered her and she blushed. She knew that in that house no one would find her or look at her that way.

'No one' had a specific name and she had accepted that fact. 'No one was looking at her with evident curiosity, holding her cutlery in the air. She could see the thoughts flowing inside his head. The questions of why she had closed herself that way, even though he couldn't judge her for it. More than anyone, ‘no one’ understood it very well what it felt like to be stuck with someone who was not there or who was not his.

“This is none of your business. Besides, someone has to keep an eye on you three and make sure you’re all in line. Speaking of which, you’re getting late.”

Audrey hadn't thought about romance in a long time. If she had learned anything, it was that not every romance was a fairy tale. Some started like this and ended like a nightmare. Others started out as light as a feather, with an almost indistinct feeling among so many, a comforting feeling that grew gradually, being fed and nourished, but it was not always mutual.

She definitely had more to worry about than romance. Besides, if Siegfried was happy that was what mattered. Wasn't it? That was a question she was determined to ignore, even when they left the kitchen and, even in a hurry, he still gave her one last look. 

* * *

The thought of having dinner with Dorothy and getting the chance to get to know her better was a captivating one, and yet, even after he had made the invitation and prepared himself mentally for dinner, Siegfried spent the day uneasy. He wanted to venture out, his flesh was wiling for it, very willing, but his spirit...

Evelyn had left a huge empty space in his life, a hole he didn't know whether to fill or simply accept that existed and move on with it. Part of him feared that the hole would not let him move forward, despite his efforts. Kissing Dorothy had been a big, pleasant step, one he intended to repeat successfully that night. And who knows, from there on, continue to take new steps in the future.

His clothes were ironed on the bed, with everything he needed to take with him, including the car keys. Mrs. Hall did not let any detail go unnoticed and that was what made him stop and look at her again before leaving the house. The details. In the past few weeks he had been doing more of that, noticing more of her little details, in every way. Without her he would be lost.

Dorothy smiled, telling stories about her travels and he smiled back, although nervous. The more they talked, the clearer their differences became. She was a free woman, she spent her time visiting people, taking walks, traveling, simply giving herself a chance to enjoy life. He, on the other hand, had the clinic to run, Tristan and James to worry about and, if he was frank, work would always be a priority in his life, although he is not entirely opposed to the idea of enjoying life a little more. Maybe he take a break when Tristan was more fit for the job.

In general, they looked like a mismatch, but that was just a detail. He and Evelyn did not seem to be a suitable match either, and in the end everything had been perfect. What he needed was to allow himself to try and take advantage of the interest she had aroused in him. Interest and maybe something else.

Although uncertain and a little awkward, at some point in the conversation his hand took hers. Siegfried talked about Tristan and the difficulty of trying to educate his brother, of replacing his parents in a role he did not know for himself, but in the back of his mind what he was thinking about was the details. 

Less than a month ago he had held a woman's hand and was not at all nervous about it, and now... The feel of Dorothy's hand was very different from the feel of Mrs. Hall's hand against his. 

He was still thinking about it when Dorothy asked about her. How was she? Had edward sent any letters? She was her oldest friend and they had met in the navy. Luckily they ended up living in the same city. Audrey married 'that man' and their boys used to play together. 

Talking about Audrey Hall was a topic that flowed easily between them. Dorothy was superficial about the past and the details. Siegfried did not press for more, despite his curiosity. Some things were better left in the past and he didn't want to have an idea of how she used to be. He knew Mrs. Hall, the fair and hardworking woman. What her ex-husband and son did or did not do was in the past.

They talked more about their lives, about their experiences and he managed to get some good laughs out of her. It was a relief to see that a part of the "old" Siegfried still existed. Maybe in time he would be who he was again. A hint of hope began to emerge.

Kissing her again was not as difficult as the first time. Subtle and delicate, Dorothy's kisses were welcome and standing by the car door she smiled still on tiptoe. 

"Don't forget to take care of Aud for me." She asked before kissing him one last time. And while she kissed Siegfried, he couldn't help thinking about the details.


	2. Chapter 2

**_February 3_ **

Audrey had been sleeping badly. The few hours of sleep were neither refreshing nor peaceful. She rolled over in bed, from side to side, restless and unable to find a comfortable position over or under the covers. And in those last months, she spent more hours looking at the ceiling than she could count.

She was able to identify each of the strips of the painting, even in the dim light of dawn, when the only illumination was the light from the street filtered through the curtains.

Some nights she just couldn't stand the confinement of her room and went to the kitchen to prepare a cup of tea. Sometimes she would take one of the old novels off the living room shelf and curl up with Jess on the couch, but the distraction didn't always work. No literary heroineseemed to have experienced the same situation as her or to have asked the same self-questions.

She wanted to believe that her problem was her concern for Edward. That the son's new silence and his absence at Christmas could mean something important and serious. God allow that was not the case. As much as she tried, Edward's refusal to let her get close and help him to walk a better path in life frustrated and worried her more often than she demonstrated.

What she didn't want to accept was that Siegfried Farnon was the reason for her sleepless nights, nor the fact that he and Dorothy continued to see each other, nor her feelings for him, much less the attention with which he seemed to study her often the past few weeks. Paying attention to how she did her chores had never been in his interest, but suddenly she had been surprising him attentively to her every move. His attentive gaze made her aware of what she was doing and how she behaved.

He had never noticed her before, not with such intensity and interest. What had changed? This was a question that she kept asking herself and one that worried her, although she tried to convince herself not.

Audrey couldn't even remember when they behaved with professional distance. One day he received her with a brief, tired smile, showed her the house and made a joke about his own name. The next day he was yelling at her for not being able to find her belongings. He was surprised for a brief moment when he was challenged back, but her tone had been so strong as to make him swallow his pride and retreat. 

Their relationship had been a mix of moments of conflict with moments of companionship. Until Christmas Eve. Until Dorothy. 

Now the idea of moving on was taking more and more form within her. Move on and let him go? If his relationship with Dorothy reached a crucial point and became something solid, she knew she would not be able to continue. She was going to need to move on and go.

Permeating this difficult certainty lived the vivid recollection of how he had held her hand during mass. In that moment of fragility, with his support, she allowed herself, for the briefest of moments, to feel the pain that her son's distance caused her. She felt safe, welcomed, protected. Once again he had reached out to her in a moment of need and once again she had accepted. It felt so right.

The loud, high-pitched phone broke the house's peaceful silence in an almost sinful way. Without thinking twice, Audrey removed the covers and grabbed her robe before heading out into the hall. There the sound was almost deafening. 

Mr. Dinsdale barked something about the pigs and the pigsty that she couldn't quite register, there was too much static on the line. It was raining? She hadn't even noticed. What mattered was that she managed to understand that he needed two people. 

"And send me Siegfried!" He yelled from afar before ending the call. James was standing in the middle of the stairs waiting for information. She soon repeated what little she understood. 

And so she goes. Audrey went up the stairs after James and automatically headed for Siegfried's room. Without knocking, she opened the door, careful not to make a sound. In the dark he sleept soundly and she felt sorry for having to wake him up. He never seemed so calm or as relaxed as when she saw him sleeping, in those brief moments before having to wake him up for a hard night at work.

“Mr. Farnon?" She called, placing her hand on his shoulder, using the light from the corridor as a guide. “Mr. Farnon, wake up.”

"Hmm..." Siegfried grunted, snuggling closer to the pillow. 

“Mr. Farnon...” She insisted, her tone a little stronger and she rocked him gently, something that she learned over the years, he hated.

Siegfried's hand landed institutionally on hers, covering it completely. He usually opened his eyes, confused and she moved away quickly, with two steps back. This time, however, his hand caressed hers and a feeling of warmth took her hand, rising up her wrist and spreading across the rest of her body. 

“Mr. Farnon? ” Audrey called to him, her fingers, under his, pressing on his shoulder. 

Siegfried blinked his eyes, using his other hand to shield them from the light in the hall when he looked over his shoulder to see who it was. “You’re here. I thought it was a dream.”

“There was a phone call.” She said carefully not to babble. “There’s something happening with Dinsdale’s pigs and he asked for you and James. The boy is getting ready.”

He took her hand, took it off his shoulder, but didn't let go as he sat on the bed, making a face. Audrey managed not to look at their hands together, but she could not prevent her fingers from fitting better against his. 

“Alright. I'll be ready in five. Go back to bed. You're cold.” Siegfried said, his voice still choked with sleep.

His fingers caressed hers briefly, in an absent-minded moviment, as if to warm them. She never wanted to obey and get back to bed as quickly as possible, but the moment stretched and they stared at each other until she raised her eyebrows and looked at their hands together. 

“Oh, right. Sorry.” Siegfried let go of her hand much more delicately than she let go of his in the church, she noticed. 

"Drive safely." Audrey said, with the door ajar. 

He nodded, already standing and with the lights on, ready to change and run out to meet the animals. His willingness to work at these times seemed inexhaustible. “We’ll be home as soon as we can, don’t worry. Go rest, Mrs. Hall.” 

And she went, but not before putting Saint Nick on the shelf.

* * *

**_ February 25 _ **

It's impossible! He finally accepts. There is no way to contest, there is no way to try to understand. His thoughts were tied and it is simply impossible to avoid. IMPOSSIBLE. Like wanting to walk in the rain without a cover or umbrella and not get wet. 

Siegfried even tried to ignore it, but when he saw Dorothy or thought about her and their meetings, Audrey Hall came along, as if his relationship with them were intrinsically linked or were related matters. It was ridiculous, but it was what it was. 

The connection was obvious, Audrey and Dorothy were friends and he talked to each other about the other, sometimes. But why did he compare them? Because, if he was sincere with himself, and maybe he wasn’t so willing to be, he compared them. All the time.

The details didn't leave him either and he always found himself looking for them. A different flicker in her eyes, the way she walked at a different pace, an incomprehensible grunt, unspoken phrases, subtle touches that didn't happen anymore, the game nights... She sat beside him at the table, with her little sardonic smile, watching the game and still countless miles away. 

Siegfried found himself increasingly missing the small banal certainties than longing for the novelties and uncertainties of a promising future.

“A penny for your thoughts.” He said, on one of those countless occasions when the two of them sat at the dinner table with the game board between them, the pieces carefully arranged and their poisons of choice in the sparkling glasses.

“What? Oh... Sorry! ” Audrey started and turned to him, confused, surprised, almost scared. Trying to disguise it, she shifted in her chair, pulling on the hem of her blouse, before crossing her hands on the table again.  “I was just distracted, Mr. Farnon. My mind was miles away for a moment. Is it my turn already?”  She asked, looking at the board carefully before turning to her pieces. What was making her so distant, he wondered. 

“It is, but that’s not important.” Siegfried reached for the glass, he needed the courage of the drink.

“If you don’t mind me saying, Mrs. Hall, I wonder what's happening to you.” This infinitesimal confession of what he had been feeling caught her attention. 

“There’s nothing for you to be worried about.” Audrey said, in the most impersonal tone possible, but her brief, subtle smile was not reassurance enough.

“Really? Seems to me there is something keeping your thoughts very busy nowadays.” Siegfried, with a flick of his wrist, made the whiskey swirl at the bottom of his glass before taking a sip. The feeling that whatever was happening to her was important and worrying only became stronger in him. “You were never so distant and to be quite honest it worries me. There’s something happening? Something I can help you with?”

If she had been surprised before, at that moment she looked even more so. Surprised and melancholy, as if her situation was beyond any possibility of help.

Silence washed over the room as he watched her, expecting something with which he could work, but receiving only that conflicted expression. She never just kept her worries to herself, they talked about it, they always talked. Briefly, perhaps, he always hid part of his pain, to be sure, but still they shared things.

Audrey frowned for a moment, attentive to the letters lined up in front of her. The words seemed to pile up together in her mouth, but none were properly spoken. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, with a sigh.

"I've been wondering if I should move on." Audrey said at last, unable to face him directly. Move on in what direction, he wondered, but he didn't have the heart to ask her, not right away.

The thought of her moving on from her marriage bothered him as having a knife stuck in his belly would certainly bother. He had moved on, or at least he had been trying. Wouldn't it be right for her to do the same? Of course it would be, but still... It was a selfish thought and Siegfried could not envision a different routine than the one they had. What if she met someone and moved out? What if the new husband didn't want her to work?

And she wouldn't have the courage to move on with her work, would she? Abandon him? He wanted to laugh. Of course she wouldn't leave Skeldale House, this was her home, her place, with him. Well, with him and Tristan, and with James, to be more precise.

“This is not an easy decision. Now I understand why you have spent so much time distracted. I...” Did he think about it a lot? Did he thought about it long before Dorothy, but rejected the idea because it was complete insanity? Or because he didn't want to put certain aspects of his relationships at risk? Siegried looked at the whiskey for a few more seconds and when he turned to her he noticed that she was watching him closely. "I'm sure, eventually, you will make the right decision, Mrs. Hall."

"I surely will." She replied, with a brief nod. Then she made her play and Siegfried noticed with concern that, when he turned the board over to him with his fingertips, her word was misspelled.


	3. Chapter 3

**_March 18, 1938_ **

When Mr. Enderby asked her out for a drink at Drovers Audrey was surprised. He had always been kind and cordial to her, always showed her his vegetables and made sure to separate the best ones for her every week, but invite her over for a drink? That had been a surprise. He seemed excited about the idea, although a little shy. She was simply appalled where she was.

The news that Siegfried was seeing a woman had spread to Darrowby and from what it seemed his commitment to someone was equivalent to her freedom to see someone. A very absurd idea, if you want to know Audrey's opinion.

Despite the shock and the total lack of interest in having a drink with him or any other man, Audrey found herself agreeing with Mr. Enderby. Yes, she would accept a drink on Friday night, because she needed to leave the house and have a company other than Siegfried's.

Spending almost every night in his company was gradually becoming a disturbance. Night after night she expected him to announce that he was going out with Dorothy, and even though sometimes weeks passed before they saw each other, she had become a constant presence surrounding them. A white elephant in the middle of the room that had created an abyss between them.

Audrey needed to move on and accept a drink was a first step. Wasn't it?

Her doubts about accepting the invitation only increased when she stopped at by the dining room door and saw Siegfried pouring two drinks. The radio spread soft music throughout the rooms, the games had been stacked on the table and he hummed absently. It was her turn to choose what they were going to play.

"I'm going to Drovers." She announced, already ready to leave.

Siegfried was amazed and nodded, quickly pouring the contents of the glasses back into the bottle. "Give me just two minutes to get ready." He suddenly seemed excited about the idea and if she wasn't already unsure and a little sorry to have accepted the invitation, she would have stayed in that instant.

Nothing would give her more satisfaction in accepting his presence, in going out together to have a beer, make small talk and observe (and sometimes comment on) the other residents of Darrowby. That was becoming less and less their reality and she found herself wishing for the peaceful and endless nights they used to have a year ago.

"I'm going to meet someone." With a nervous smile, Audrey said in an almost shrill tone, causing Siegfried to stop halfway. Did he look shocked? Of course he did. She had never been out to meet anyone in the almost five years that she had been living there, not that way at least.

"Oh..." He gasped and gave a brief half smile. He pulled on his shirt cuffs and straightened up. His eyes darted over the table and chairs, as if a third person was going to emerge. Pressing his lips together he finally looked at her, trying to maintain a neutral expression. "So you decided to move on." Siegfried said softly.

"I'm still not sure." Audrey tried to sound nonchalant, but her voice was still high. "It's just a drink at Drovers."

"It's a start." Siegfried had a strange expression on his face. His eyes had lost their brightness and had gone out like two burnt-out lamps. Was he disappointed? Sad?

Well, whatever were his feeling about it she didn't identify and didn't want to try. Audrey just dismissed any conjecture about how he felt. He was with Dorothy and they were both happy, plus he was her boss and the most they had become over the years was friends. She was a free woman, there was no reason not to accept an invitation from a gentleman and she certainly would not give Siegfried any reason to think that she was not respectful.

The doorbell rang before she could agree or disagree. They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, until she shook her head slightly and walked away, leaving him standing in the middle of the room and part of her own heart where xhe had been.

* * *

Siegfried sank into the chair with a glass of whiskey in his hand. Mr. Enderby? Seriously? Unable to contain his curiosity, he ran to the living room to peer through the curtain. Mrs. Hall had not looked back, thankfully, or she would have noticed the movement in the curtains at once and that he had spied on her.

He couldn't find anyone more boring with whom she could go out. Not that there were many options in Darrowby. The men were hard workers, but they were narrow-minded, uneducated and totally unsuitable for her.

Well, Mrs. Hall deserved someone better. Like who, for example? The irritating little voice of his conscience (which sounded a lot like her voice, by the way), asked. Someone who could provide for her, who could give her a different life, who could understand her, who had the ability to make her laugh, someone who would give her a comfortable, happy and loving home.

Mr. Enderby could give her a vegetable garden and a place behind the counter. He would undoubtedly be kind to her, but he wouldn't be the kind of man who could love her properly, would he? And what was love her properly, Siegfried wondered. Give her a whole house and three men to look after? Or maybe a place behind a counter?

At least at Skeldale House she was loved by them. He was sure of that. Inadequate conjectures about what it was like to love her properly he drove out of his mind. This was definitely not a good line of thinking. It would only make him feel even more confused than he had in the past few months.

Fortunately, he was interrupted by the doorbell. Had she forgotten her keys? Setting the glass aside, he ran to the door, already relieved by such a quick return. No, she wouldn't be back in five minutes. She probably would have forgotten something and had come to get it. But to his surprise, Siegfried found Dorothy on the other side of the door.

"Siegfried!" She smiled, hugged and kissed him before he could express anything. A relief, because perhaps his expression was not the best at that moment.

"What a surprise! Why didn't you tell me you were coming?”

"Exactly so I could surprise you." She smiled widely and she looked around when he closed the door. "Where is everyone?"

"Out. Mrs. Hall left a few minutes ago, Tristan went to a ball with Margareth and...” Dorothy had a look of expectation and malice shining beautifully in her eyes, but his flesh was no longer as willing as it had been a few months ago and being alone with her at home was the last thing he wanted. "James is upstairs, reading." The innocent lie easily escaped his lips.

"Oh." She sighed and smiled, but the disappointment was obvious. More and more, Dorothy was showing signs of wanting to evolve their relationship and Siegfried played dumb whenever that happened. "It seems to me that I chose the right night for a surprise, you seem to need a little company and distraction."

"No doubt." He smiled briefly and looked around. "Why don't we go to Drovers?" Siegfried asked before he even assimilated his proposal. Bad ideia. Bad idea! He did not want to witness Audrey's date with another man, but on second thought... Perhaps their presence would discourage Mr. Enderby. And why did he want to do that? "James can take care of the phone and go to warn us of any emergency if he needs to." Another lie easily escaped him, this one not so innocent. The invitation had already been made, he could consider his motives later.

"It seems like a great idea."

* * *

Audrey almost choked on her beer when she saw Dorothy and Siegfried enter Drovers. Beside her Mr. Enderby commented on how he took care of a vegetable garden and she paid attention, at least until that moment. She liked the idea of having a vegetable garden, despite the lack of time and space at Skeldale House. So she had been considering the option of growing some herbs in pots and he was teaching her just that when she saw them.

Introductions were made and Mr. Enderby, very politely, invited Dorothy and Siegfried to join them. Dorothy opened her mouth to make an excuse, but Siegfried stepped forward.

"It will be a pleasure."

Within minutes, the four were sitting at the small table with their beers.

She accepted the invitation to walk away from him and there he was, sitting across from her, looking at her with an expression so evidently guilty that she looked like a child after having done something. Still, he seemed more comfortable there than when she left the house, having her under his zealous gaze. A silly thought, but it was what it was. At some point along the way he had become overprotective and only then did she notice.

Inattentive to what Dorothy and Mr. Enderby were talking about, they had their own silent conversation with their eyes. An art learned and perfected in those years of living together.

What were they doing, after all? Was that what they really wanted?

Audrey had accepted an innocent invitation for a drink, nothing more, but he and Dorothy had been seeing each other continuously. Being with a person who didn't quite match as a date and didn't bring anything substantial and concrete was not something she wanted for her. But what about him?

As good as they knew each other, she couldn't read it in his eyes. Although she can clearly see his desire to return home and be in each other's quiet company.  
At some point had they become so close that proximity had driven them away. How was that even possible?

Audrey gave an almost imperceptible smile and he blinked slowly in response. _"We have no idea what we are doing or why we are trying to do what we are doing."_

While Audrey wanted to apologize and end the night, knowing he would do the same, she didn't, not for herself, not for him, not even for Mr. Enderby. Although he deserves the consideration. She does this for Dorothy, who seems happy to be there, who gave her friendly smiles and looked at Siegfried with an admiration and interest so palpable that it surprised Audrey. Dorothy was no longer just interested in him and that was obvious, as painful as it was.

Audrey would never break her friend's heart, even if the opposite was not the same. Of course Dorothy was not to blame, Audrey never left any interest she might have for him to show.

So she looked away when Dorothy took Siegfried's hand and focused exclusively on her friend and Mr. Enderby who continued their lively conversation all night. And so she hurried home in the front, when Mr. Enderby said goodbye to them at Drovers' door, as Siegfried volunteered to take Audrey home.

She didn't want to see or want what she couldn't have.

* * *

Mrs. Hall was checking the windows when he entered the house, less than five minutes after her. That ritual was the last thing she used to do at night before retiring to her room.

After that strange night, he didn't doubt that she really wanted to go to bed. He wanted to do the same and just stop trying to understand what was going on.

Still, he stopped in the hall and waited at the foot of the stairs until she came towards him.

"I didn't mean to ruin your date." He said after a long silence, but his voice doesn't sound very confident or very true even to himself. "I thought it would be inappropriate to be alone in the house with Dorothy." That comment was at least true.

Audrey raised her eyebrows and nodded. If anyone was able to judge inappropriate conduct, it was her. "It's all right." She said as if it didn't matter, but the fact was that nothing seemed right, on the contrary, everything seemed strange and out of place.

"I didn't know she was coming, it was a surprise." He found himself explaining himself as she stared at him.

“Dorothy does this things. Well, it was a long night...”

"Yes it was." He wanted to say something else, but what? That look they exchanged before... For an instant everything had seemed so simple and clear. They wanted each other's company and that was enough. He still did not fully understand that feeling, that adequacy so intense that he felt when they were together and the inadequacy at all other times.

Siegfried saw something spark in her eyes. Was it consternation? Interest? Doubt? She looked sad, above all. The questions burned on the tip of his tongue at that moment, but he swallowed them all.

"Good night, Mrs. Hall."

"Good evening, Mr. Farnon."

They looked at each other for a few more seconds and his heart sank in his chest. Maybe it was all a big mistake.


	4. Chapter 4

**_April 4, 1938_ **

  
It had been a long, pleasant night, that was undeniable, but long still.

He liked to talk to Dorothy and it was easy to talk to her about almost everything, including Evelyn. For Dorothy, talking about his wife could be a way of dealing with grief, with the constant shadow that hung over them. An important step towards overcoming and freedom. Indeed it was, but he felt less and less sure that when he felt free from mourning he would take a next step with their relationship or that the shadow that hung over them was in fact Evelyn's.

At some point, Evelyn's absence had diminished and the empty space she had left was little by little filled over the past few years. This much he had understood, despite not fully understanding the nature of the feelings that had been growing in him more and more in those last few months.

Siegfried gave Dorothy a half smile when she looked over her shoulder.

She had a completely different method for making breakfast, he observed carefully. Mrs. Hall did several things at the same time, quite accurately. Dorothy did everything in her own time. She insisted on making breakfast, despite his protests, and something in the back of his mind said it would have been better to stop her, to insist that she leave, that he would eat later with the others when Mrs. Hall woke up and made breakfast.

Mrs. Hall, yes. He did not want her to see Dorothy there and to have the wrong impression of the situation. Having to explain would be difficult and he feared her reaction.  
He chewed his food, but he didn't taste anything. He glanced down the hall from time to time, until he finally saw what he feared.

“Good morning, Aud! Come and have coffee. ” Dorothy always excited, always smiling.

Jess ran to her heels, wagging her tail excitedly. Another day he would be just as excited to see her, but not that morning.

"Good Morning." He saw her murmur uneasily, almost tormented, despite the half smile she gave Dorothy.

Seeing her like that broke something inside of him. He wished he could prevent that moment, prevent her from going through that situation. Just by looking at her, he could see all the assumptions she made about that moment.

“Come have coffee, Aud. I'll put a plate for you before I go, I'm almost late.”

“No, don't worry. I need to take this girl outside.” She began to scratch Jess's ears absently, grateful to have something to focus on. "You haven't done that yet, have you?" Her question was addressed to him, who kept his eyes fixed on the plate in front of him and stirred the food with his fork from side to side. His hunger had passed.

Dorothy did not realize that there was something very wrong there, he realized with exasperation, although he himself did not fully understand what the error was. Y _ou, Siegfried, are you the mistake, or at least your attitudes._

"Not yet, Mrs. Hall."

"Are you sure you don't want to..." Dorothy started, looking from her to the table.

“Yes, thank you. I need to take her before she ends up doing her business inside the house. Come on, Jess." She said to the dog, who bolted for the back door, followed by her as soon as possible.

When she closed the door he noticed that his hands were shaking.

* * *

Nothing in the past few months had prepared her for the shock of meeting Dorothy in the kitchen early in the morning, in her clothes from the day before, talking to Siegfried and making breakfast. Had she spent the night there? Yes, of course she had. It was obvious just looking at them. Audrey swallowed. She wasn't expecting something like that. Of course, she knew that eventually something like that would happen between them, if it wasn't already happening. She knew Dorothy, after all. But there? With the boys in the room right next door?

Audrey wished she could have turned around and avoided that uncomfortable moment, but her steps had caught their and Jess's attention. Unfortunately sinking to the floor was not a viable possibility and she found herself blushing violently, distressed by the situation.

Mr. Farnon looked as uncomfortable as she did when he saw her. He also looked tired and rumpled. Dark circles were beginning to appear under his eyes, signs of a sleepless night. He looked consumed and if he had been hammering her, it would have hurt less.

After so many years she didn't think he was going to surrender that quickly. Four months was not much. Was it? And what had he said about his spirit at Christmas? She didn't remember, although she remembered the comment about his flesh being willing.

She felt foolish. It was clear that he would have surrendered, which man would not have? Dorothy was beautiful and available, she had feelings for him and her flesh was as willing as his.

A lump formed in her throat and a burn sensation went up her neck, making her nose sting. It was the first time that the whole situation made her want to cry and allow herself to be consumed by jealousy. Audrey sighed and wrapped her arms around herself.

And Dorothy was still using her vegetable frying pan to fry sausages! Audrey noticed in despair and began to mentally list all the utensils she was using the wrong way. An attempt to divert thoughts of intimacy between Siegfried and Dorothy. What a mess Dorothy made in her kitchen. Swallowing hard, she tried to ignore the fact that maybe, very soon, the kitchen would be hers after all.

That was an even worse prospect. Maybe just no worse than having to change and wash his bed sheets later.

Her own thoughts betrayed her.

"I'm sorry, we lost the track on time." He said as he stopped beside her, making her start.

How long had she been out there? Jess was running around sniffing things and hunting for leaves that flew in the breeze. Audrey's posture was so rigid that her knuckles were white.

"You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Mr. Farnon."

"And yet I feel I must." He admitted and she pressed her lips together. An explanation was the last thing she wanted or needed, everything was clear. "Mrs. Hall I would never disrespect you by bringing a woman to sleep with me under our roof. ” His confession took a few seconds to sink in and made Audrey felt mortified by it. She turned to look at him with wide eyes. He continued, placing his hands in his pants pocket and looking away from hers. “Nothing happened, really. I beg you to believe me. Dorothy and I spent the night talking about life in general in the dining room. I’m not... I don’t want to... Thar was all.”

He looked just as uncomfortable and tense as she did. Audrey believed him, she knew him, knew when he was lying or trying to escape from a situation with some evasion, that was not the case.

Swallowing her pride, she was relieved. " _I would never disrespect you by bringing a woman to sleep with me under **our roof**._" His words resonated within her. “Our roof”, as if that were their home, as if they had something between them that imposed barriers.

“You’re a single man and this is your house, you can do whatever pleases you.” She said, wanting the words to have some meaning. "I worry about the boys, tho." Tristan and James were not boys, they were men. Certainly they would envy Siegfried's freedoms most, but she knew them well enough to know that they would not try to follow suit.

"I worry about that too." He said, but his words lacked conviction.

Silence fell on them. Jess got tired of running and lay in the sun to rest.

"How was it?" Audrey asked, unable to contain her curiosity, after all he didn't look very excited when she saw him in the kitchen.

"What?"

"Breakfest."

They stared at each other for a few seconds. Her question seemed to amuse him.

“I prefer the way you deal with my sausage in the morning. She almost burnt it. ” If the whole situation hadn't been a shock already, those words would have shocked her, even though she noticed his distracted tone. The implied ambiguity had not been purposeful and he shook his head as soon as he finished speaking, making an expression of astonishment. “Oh, sorry Mrs. Hall. I… That was a atrocious way to say I prefer your cooking. It must be the lack of sleep.”

"You always have the most flattering comments for me, Mr. Farnon."

"Don’t I?" His smile was incorrigible. "Come on, you must be hungry."

Audrey called Jess, who came running after them when the two turned to go home.

"I need to clean up the mess Dorothy made in my kitchen." She commented, giving him a warning look. Siegfried pretended not to know anything about the kitchen, but he was able to identify what she used to do what.

".I'll help you."

"There’s no need, you should get one or two hours of sleep."

"You wash and I dry." His tone made it clear that it was not open to negotiation.

"Alright."

It was only whens he finished washing the frying pan and turned to him with it dripping on her hands that their eyes met again. Siegfried was still trying to hide his amusement and she raised her eyebrows. They blushed and ended up, like two teenagers, laughing at each other because of that ridiculous comment.

* * *

_**April 22, 1938** _

They had a ritual. Every April 22 was the same. He came to the kitchen more excited than a child on Christmas Day, asked what her day would be like and got the answer "Just another normal day, like every other day." They would have breakfast in comfortable silence, despite the exchange of suspicious looks over the cups and as soon as he left she would begin preparations.

For dinner, his favorite food. Dessert was the little birthday cake they would eat until they couldn't take another bite with a good dose of brandy. Aafter he extinguished the candle she would give him a brief hug of congratulations. It was the only occasion of the year that she embraced him and that year would be the fifth time. Not that she was counting.

That morning was no different, the day passed in the blink of an eye and Siegfried pretended to be surprised to see her appear with the cake.

Tristan's teasing about Siegfried's age were revealed and he blew out the candles with an excited smile on his face.

Somewhere in the house the doorbell rang. James ran to answer it, but Siegfried had turned to her, as if he was waiting for the hug with the same expectation.

Part of her blamed her for looking forward to that moment, but what was wrong with an innocent hugh?

When their bodies approached, unlike other years, they did not move apart. Feeling swept away by a whirlwind of emotions and feelings, Audrey buried her face in Siegfried's shoulder when he held her close. Not even guilt could take away the certainty that it was right. They. Together. Audrey's chest tightened and she blinked her eyes furiously.

"Happy ..." She begun to say, as cheerful as she could.

"Just in time!" Dorothy said with all the excitement she wanted to feel.

The two broke free with frightening speed, restless and disconcerted by the situation. Dorothy, oblivious to the heavy atmosphere between them, hugged and kissed Siegfried, wishing happy birthday, while James and Tristan looked from Siegfried to Audrey with a mixture of doubt and concern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two will kill me.


	5. Chapter 5

**_May 2, 1938_ **

  
_"Siegfried, I'm sorry, but I won't be able to accompany you to the Veterinarians Association ball..."_

Dorothy's words were lost after that. For the first time in five years he had confirmed his presence at the event, his and his companion's. He was sure it would be a pleasant dance and an opportunity for him to finally try to understand his feelings.

Although a ball is not the ideal event for this type of reflection, he hoped that the meeting would be a opportunity to take his doubts out of him.

His dates with Dorothy had been becoming more and more rare over the months, which was not a concern for him. She had commitments and he was not always willing to change his routine because of her. His initial excitement at the prospect of getting back to the date world and the interest she had aroused in him waned. If only that was all...

Siegfried got irritated by her surprise appearance on his birthday, something that surprised him and made him feel guilty. Dorothy had gone to Skeldale House with the best of intentions, and yet he found himself upset, yearning for her to go. And it hadn't been the first time he'd looked forward to it.

It became more and more clear that he liked her company, liked to talk to her and the moments that they shared, but did not like the implications that her presence had in his life. Dorothy was a constant reminder that he was not completely free and her presence kept Mrs. Hall away.

 _"...but I promise that as soon as I return from Malta I will see you."_ Dorothy went on talking on the other end of the line. Siegfried did not understand what had happened and accepted the fact that her absence was inevitable. _“I think you should go to the ball anyway. I'm sure it will be a good for you to see old friends and catch up with them. Why don't you take Audrey? I'm sure it's been too long since she went to a dance and she deserves a little more fun than anyone.”_

"I don't think it would be appropriate." He grunted in response, although it was not true, but the fact that she would most likely not accept the invitation. Their conversations were becoming more superficial and brief. In many moments the feeling he had was complete abandonment, despite the fact that she was beside him.

 _"Why not? You are good friends and I know you will have fun. If you want I can convince her. Call her."_ Have fun? The situation began to take on happier and at the same time terrifying contours. Siegfried found himself wishing that she could convince Mrs. Hall to accompany him.

"Dorothy, I really think..." He started trying to say that he thought that was a bad idea, but he was interrupted.

_"Call her, Siegfried." Dorothy insisted. “I've put you in a bad situation, I'm going to get you out of it. Call Aud for me.”_

Dorothy had no idea of the situation she was putting him in, Siegfried thought, but he still passed the phone on to Mrs. Hall.

* * *

Audrey couldn't find any arguments to get rid of the ball. Dorothy insisted on the phone and beside her Siegfried looked at her expectantly. He wanted her to go with him, there was no doubt about that. She simply knew him well enough to be able to see the animation contained in his expression.

_“Please, Aud, I'm sorry for having to ask for something like this, but I can't help but go to Malta and I'm feeling terribly guilty about leaving Siegfried withou a company. I told him and I repeat, I'm sure you will have fun.”_

She was sure of many things, but that they were going to have fun was not one. Audrey gave him a serious look, a silent scolding for his excitement, which only made his excitement grow. Just as she knew him, he knew her. He knew it was a vain scolding that usually preceded an unwilling agreement.

Going with Siegfried Farnon to a ball was a bad idea. She didn't want to have that kind of interaction with him, she didn't want to be his date, she didn't want to spend the night with him, nor have those memories that would only nourish her fantasies. And yet, she found herself answering:

"Very well, I'll make the sacrifice, but don't ask me for anything remotely like this ever again."

_"Aud, you are an angel!"_

She wish she were.

* * *

**_May 7, 1938_ **

"What are you doing out here?"

Siegfried stopped beside her by the terrace railing. It was a clear and cool night, a balm after the crowded and stuffy hall.

The night had been fun after all. Siegfried was a competent dance partner and attending this type of event was something that came naturally to him. Relaxed and happy he was especially witty that night and made her laugh countless times.

Audrey had decided to enjoy the night without fixing on the details and retaining them. A tale apart from her own story.

It looked like they were back to who they were, but not quite. They had returned to the point where they had stopped and evolved from there. As if Dorothy had never reappeared in her life, nor had she attracted his attention, as if they had continued with the routine, with the discussions, with the indirects and as if, perhaps, in the middle of one of them, something had changed between them.

Even though her conscience vehemently denied it, the feeling that they belong together felt right for Audrey. Just as it felt when they hugged on his birthday. That feeling resurfaced when they met in the living room at Skeldale House and grew by the minute throughout the night.

It had been a long time since she had seen him as satisfied as he was that night, nor so proud. He introduced her to several of his former college friends and at no time did he make it a point to clarify the real nature of their relationship. Of course, she understood his reasons. How to explain being accompanied by his housekeeperf? It would have been embarrassing and he didn't seem at all disconcerted to let his friends think she was his... His what? _His._

She smiled and accepted compliments, but cast significant looks in his direction when they walked away. Siegfried smiled a silly little smile in response.

"Taking a look at the garden."

"From here?" He looked around and made a face. “You can barely see anything from up here. Come with me." Siegfried held out his hand.

"Where?" She asked suspiciously. Her betraying heart sped up.

If his situation were different she would accept to go with him to the end of the world. Audrey managed to contain a sigh. There was that silly little smile again. She shouldn't have, but she accepted his hand.

* * *

"A few decades ago and we would both be in big trouble for being here alone." He joked and wanted to kick himself right away for the total absence of subtlety.

"Only if I were a virtuous girl and you were an uncompromising man." Mrs. Hall laughed softly. Her attention was more on the garden around them than on him. It was a beautiful place and he regretted that it was not day so that she could see everything in detail.

His hand felt strangely empty now that she let go of it.

"A single couple alone in a garden at night would be synonymous with scandal in any situation, Mrs. Hall." It would be ironic, if it wasn't sad. The possibility of them going to a party together, dancing, laughing seemed so far away in the past few months. And yet, there they were.

The emptiness didn't seem limited to just his hand. Now his arms also felt the absence of her forms. He wanted to offer his arm or pull her close to him, but she was oblivious to him and focused on her own reflections.

"So we should be grateful for not living in the past, or you would be at a disadvantage for being here with me." In his opinion, Audrey couldn't be more wrong. "It's beautiful." She said at last, looking around when they reached the center of the garden.

"It is." Siegfried agreed.

She was beautiful, she was beautiful and charming. Something he had noticed, but that he had never allowed himself to admire, until that moment.

Audrey turned back to him hoping to catch a glimpse of him distracted, but Siegfried's eyes are fixed on her.

Audrey's expression softened and took on a melancholy outline when his fingertips traced her features carefully, barely touching her skin. She didn't move, not even when she saw him take a step towards her. Siegfried should restrain himself before doing irreparable damage and ruin all those years of relationship that they cultivated with such care.

All the enchantment that the garden brought to her gradually gave way to the feelings she was so careful to hide. Siegfried's fingertips touched her face with a delicacy that seemed impossible for such large hands. She just looked at him, wishing with all her will and faith that the present was not just a moment apart from reality.

Siegfried found several options to blame. He could blame the excitement of the dance or the champagne, the moonlit night, the romantic setting in the middle of the flowers, even himself! But it was her, the way she looked at him, the way she conducted herself, her laughter as they danced, the expression she had on her face at that moment. He allowed himself to want her there, in the middle of a garden, on a clear night and while his feelings still didn't seem clear to him because for the first time he saw in her eyes that she wanted him. And maybe that was right, she wanting him and he wanting her. Siegfried leaned slightly towards her and kissed her on the mouth.

His lips caressed hers gently. Audrey kissed him back and raised her left hand to touch his face, but stopped halfway, leaning it sideways on his chest.

His hands cupped her face and Siegfried sighed. There was no hesitation, no uncertainty. Kissing and being kissed by Audrey Hall was natural, familiar and captivating.

All the doubts he had been feeling for the past few months, all the details he had been noticing, all the comparisons he had made and all the feelings he didn't understand culminated in that singular moment when he realized the mistake he had made. It was her, it had always been her and it would always be her. At some point in the past five years he had not only become fond of her, he had fallen in love with Audrey Hall.

When she finally realized what she was doing and guilt hit her, Audrey pulled her face away from him, even though his hands were on her face, even though he opened his eyes to see her, with shallow breathing and mouth open, confused and thirsty for more.

Under the brightness of the stars Siegfried saw the swirl of feelings in her eyes and the horror carved in her features. He wanted to erase that expression on that face, he wanted to put a sarcastic smile on it and just kiss it.

"Mrs. Hall... Audrey... I...” What to say? He had no idea where to start explaining himself. The words ‘I'm sorry’ danced in his mouth, but saying them could give her the wrong idea. He wasn't sorry for having kissed her, though he was sorry for everything else. _I love you._

Audrey stared at him, waiting for him to say something, but the seconds went on and he, who so readily had a multitude of things to say all the time, found himself speechless and helplessly watched her face turn to stone and slide away from his hands.

"I think it's time for us to go home." That was all she said.

* * *

That night, for the first time in years, Audrey cried for someone other than Edward. The flow of tears began halfway back to Darrowby. She tried her best not to let crying dominate her in front of him, but it was in vain. With her face turned to the road he couldn't see the silent tears running down her cheeks.

Shame and guilt were overwhelming. Now he knew! Of that she was sure. He knew how she felt and their whole relationship would change. And she had betrayed Dorothy, her best friend, the person she could always count on. How would she manage to live with such shame and guilt? Nothing seemed to have a solution and all she wanted was to be able to get away from him, but Siegfried drove with annoying caution that night, going slow when he usually avoids the brakes almost entirely.

At least he didn't insist on talking about what happened, nor did he apologize. She felt his gaze on her from time to time trying to grab her attention or make her look in his direction.

A forty-minute drive had never been this long.

When he finally parked in front of Skeldale House he turned towards her, but before he could finish saying “Mrs. Hall” she hurriedly got out of the car and hopped to be quick enough to avoid Tristan. She hadn't been so lucky.

"What happened?" The boy asked when he saw her. What an image she should be at that moment, with her face streaked with tears, her eyes and nose burning and red.

udrey pursed her lips to keep the crying from getting worse and dodged him, walking quickly to the bedroom.

“Siegfried, what did you do? Why is she crying?" She heard Tristan confront his brother loudly before closing the door behind her and turning the key.

She was not the type of person to run away or avoid problems. But she didn't know how to deal with that situation, not at the moment. Sinking into her bed with her face covered by her hands she allowed herself to cry, but muffling her sobs. How was she going to look at him from now on?

A gentle knock on the door.

"Audrey, please..." He said quietly on the other side of the door. "We have to talk."

The way he said her name only made her tears flow faster.

"What happened?" She heard Tristan ask in a serious tone.

"Get out of here!" Siegfried scolded in a low and dry tone.

"Not until you explain to me what..." Tristan insisted.

"Go. Away. Now.”

Everything was silent for a long moment and she tried to dry her tears.

"Audrey, I don't..." Siegfried said in that soft, low tone, but stopped. “I made a mess out our lives and I am so sorry for that. Please, we need to talk, there are things I need to say... that I have to explain.”

Nothing she wanted or could hear. Audrey dropped on the bed and waited to hear him go. Siegfried said nothing else.


	6. Chapter 6

_**June 1938** _

Siegfried tried to forget. At all costs he tried not to remember that night, her laughter, her smiles, how her eyes sparkled, what it was like to have her in his arms and what it was like to kiss her. But every moment he failed. The memories returned to him and were repeated over and over again in the smallest details.

Having her so close and yet so distant was becoming torture and more and more he found himself wanting to reach out to touch her hand during meals. More and more he found himself wanting to lock her up in a room or take her to a remote and isolated place and make her hear everything he had to say. Willing to assume each mistake and pay for each sin, what Siegfried wanted the most was that she at least give him a chance to say all he needed to say.

_"Can we talk?" He asked in a quiet tone two days after the ball when he finally found an opportunity to talk to her without Tristan and James' eavesdropping around the house._

_Audrey set the broom aside, leaning it against the wall and looked at him._

_“Of course, Mr. Farnon. What can I do for you? ” The formality of her words and posture stung_ _him._

_Siegfried simply wanted to wrap his arms around her and tell her three little words that meant and summed up everything he felt for her, but he didn't. Maybe for lack of courage, maybe because I knew that doing that would just make you more skeptical or make you feel more humiliated._

_After much thought, he understood. It was humiliation that she felt, as if she had been ashamed of having seen her feelings revealed in a moment of weakness to be used by him shortly thereafter. She knew him so little, he wondered even though he knew the answer was no. Audrey Hall knew him completely, knew him like no one else. And yet she can't accept that he could feel anything for her besides friendship and brotherly esteem._

_What would she say if he told her all the things he wished he could do with her?_

_"I believe there are some questions that I need to clarify about that night and I would like you to give me a chance to be heard." He returned in the same formal tone, while internally the part of his brain that sounded like her wished it had legs so it could kick him. What was he doing? Did he want make it worse?_

_“I understand that you may feel the need to explain yourself, Mr. Farnon, but I don't think it is necessary. The best thing to do is to forget about that...event.”_

_""Why?" He asked, unable to contain himself._

_Her formal expression faded. Audrey looked away from his eyes, blinking repeatedly in a nervous tic before closing them, as if she didn't want to see him. Then her posture gave way and she took a deep breath, letting the air out through her mouth in a long breath. Siegfried dared to step forward, towards her. He wanted to reach out and touch her arm, make her understand with words and gestures._

_“It was a mistake. The night mood enveloped us and affected us in some way. It shouldn't have happened and it won't happen again." She explained, unable to look him in the eye. Audrey never deviated her gaze from his and the fact that at that moment he was unable to look into his eyes gave him a lint of hope._

_"No, it wasn't, Audrey." His hand landed on her arm carefully and he lowered his head until their eyes met. "I can even go further and say that maybe it was the first thing we did right for us."_

_"Mr. Farnon...” Her tone was shaky and desperate, as was the expression on her face. Her frown eyebrowns asked for a kiss and her sad eyes asked for caress._

_"Are you going to deny that you have feelings for me?" He took another step towards her._

_"Don't make the situation any more complicated, please!" Audrey almost begged and it hurt him._

_"What I want to do is just the opposite." Siegfried argument. Unable to contain himself, he lifted her face with the side of his index finger, until their faces were face to face. "I want to end the complications, I want to do the right thing and I want us to stop making mistakes."_

_"I'm not mistaken."_

_"Then why are you denying it?" The question was a plea._

_"I didn't deny it." Funny how such a short answer can have such a big effect._

_She didn't deny, she didn't deny that she had feelings for him. The words resonated inside him and he dove into her green eyes. His thumb lightly brushed her parted lips. Siegfried was ready to replace the finger with his own lips, and Audrey didn't seem to offer any resistance to being against it. Her chest heaved and her eyes became cloudy, almost dreamy._

_It was so natural, so appropriate._

_Siegfried lost all rational thinking. His whole world was understood in her and nothing else mattered. All complications would be resolved soon, he was determined about it. Waiting was not a valid alternative._

_When their noses touched, her hands cupped his beard and he closed his eyes, surrendering to her. Siegfried had no idea how much he wanted her to touch him like that until she was doing it._

_"I have feelings for you." He confessed to her in such a low tone that he wasn't sure if she heard him._

_And then, abruptly, as if she had recieved a shocked or a slapped, she stepped away from him completely. Her expression, which had softened, changed again and he swallowed._

_“What are you thinking you’re doing ?! No, no, no, no ... No!” She repeated in an frenzy, holding the broom in both hands and placing it between them, as if she would use it on him if he dared to approach her again. "We have to forget about this."_

_Siegfried understood that he shouldn't insist, not at that moment._

_"This is what you want? Are you sure?" He felt defeated and unhappy._

_Her eyes screamed 'no', but she said, "It's the best for all of us."_

_All of us who, he wondered._

The days dragged on with an alleged naturalness that only increased the tension between them. Tristan and James noticed the change and despite their incessant questions, they still had no idea what had happened. Although at that point they were suspicious of the personal and potentially emotional nature of the problem between them.

At least Dorothy had not returned, but as for their situation Siegfried had made a decision. As soon as Dorothy returned, he was going to share with her the discovery he made regarding his own feelings. She was an incredible, attractive and admirable woman who would make any man happy, but who deserved to find someone who wanted and deserved her. And that was definitely not him.

....

_**June 13, 1938** _

In times of despair it was for the church that she fled. On sunny afternoons while everyone enjoyed the early summer, she hid in the damp shadows of those stone walls and took advantage of it's privacy to let the guilt and tears come over her.

She couldn't determine what hurt the most, guilt or temptation. Dorothy did not deserve that betrayal, either from her or from him. Cheating on her friend made her feel like the worst person on the planet, although the betrayal was not intentional on her part. And neither of his, she suspected.

 _I have feelings for you._ His confession burned red hot in her heart day after day. All the time. As much as the appearance of normality reigned in Skeldale House, it was impossible to look at him and not remember his words, the gentle way he had touched her, how he left certain senses dulled and awakened others, his look so full of want... Want of what, she wondered.

Audrey had never, in those nearly five years, been so tempted to plunge into his arms, bury her face in his shoulder and curl up there. She never wanted him so much to stroke her back or run fingers through her hair. Audrey shook her head. That was not the best trail of thoughts.

In the past month, these thoughts have made her ponder various aspects of her life. Some that she would not consider under any other circumstances, but in the face of that circumstance, moving forward it had become a more comprehensive concept than just getting rid of the bonds of a failed marriage and trying to give someone a chance. Moving foward now meant leaving.

Perhaps hastily, she had applied for some job openings. By divine providence or help from fate, she found a series of vacancies in the classifieds and wrote for each option that would take her out of Darrowby and was waiting for answers to possible interviews. What she didn't expect, however, was to come home and find Siegfried waiting for her in the kitchen with a letter in his hand.

"When were you going to tell me about this?" He asked in a dry tone and with restrained fury, which hid his disappointment. The letter was thrown on the table and Audrey saw that the reply, addressed to her, had the matter written on the envelope and had arrived in the evening mail while she was out. "The moment you were walking out the door with your bags in hand, perhps?"

"When I have a concrete plan, for now I am just considering options, Mr. Farnon." She replied in the most neutral tone she could manage. She put her purse on the table and picked up the letter, to examine it closely. The answer had come from Hull, far enough.

"Why?" Siegfried asked, still trying to contain his fury. She could see in his wounded look how much knowing that she had plans to leave hurt. If only he knew how much more it hurt her. "After all the consideration with which I treated you... Why are you going to leave me?"

His question forced her to blink her eyes so they wouldn't tear up. Leave him? Did that man have any idea what it was like for her to have to leave? How to explain that not being physically there was not the same thing as leaving him? Audrey had the certain impression that regardless of where she went he would go with her, in one way or another.

"You are being dramatic!" She replied with as much sarcasm as she could muster while picking up the kettle to fill it with water. Relieved to have a excuse to turn her back to him.

"I thought you were happy here." He pointed in an accusing tone.

Audrey was immensely happy there. She was welcomed by him when she had no more resources or alternatives, was accepted with affection and consideration by Tristan, won more than a job, a home, a family... Apart from the detail that the role she was playing was not the one she would like to occupy in that family, everything had been perfect. In her dreams she allowed herself to be his and have him, in reality it became impossible.

Ignoring his remark, Audrey started searching the cupboards for cups. Not that she was particularly hungry and she doubted he was, but the occupation was welcome. Although she didn't look directly at him, she could feel Siegfried's eyes following her and burning holes in her back.

"There is certainly an explanation, there is something that you are avoiding talking about, something that will make you act irrationally and..." He started to say when she turned to put the milk and cups on the table.

"I'm not being irrational!"

“Then give me a bloody damn reason why you don't want to hear me! Give me a bloody damn reason why you want to leave! ” He shouted and banged his fist on the table. The two looked at each other, serious looks fixed on each other.

Siegfried was right, he deserved to know although he should have known. Where was the insight he liked to brag about when it was needed? And more than that, he seemed intentionally never to mention Dorothy. Where was she on that crazy scale he had created? As much as curiosity existed, Audrey smothered it with the fixed thought that she would not betray her friend.

"This situation is driving me crazy." He murmured, swallowing hard. "Why..." He started again, like a child, who never tired of asking parents endless questions and something about him changed.

Leaning his head slightly to the side, he studied her and continued to do so even as she lowered her eyes back to the table and continued to pour tea.

“I am not going to let you out of this house. Even if I have to lock you in the bedroom.”

Like a trigger, the simplicity with which he said those words was absurd and deeply irritated her. Audrey pushed a cup towards him with more force than necessary and did not sit in front of him as she intended. Curling her lips in an unconscious gesture, she rested her right hand on her hip and the look she gave him made him cringe slightly in his chair.

“After all I've been through, I will not accept man ordering in my life. Not even you.”

Siegfried looked ashamed and took a deep breath. Joining his hands on the table, he studied his own nails for a long moment, giving her time to finish pouringher tea and sitting down in front of him, finally.

"What about _me_? Where do I fit in your equation? Or don't I even matter? What about are _my_ feelings? ” He asked after a long silence. Annoying man! He didn't know when to stop insisting.

 _I love you_ , she thought furiously. Saying that he was the whole equation and that he was just as important to her as breathing was out of the question.

Audrey didn't know how to respond and was saved by the noise of James and Tristan's conversation coming down the hall.

"Just allow me some time and don’t do anything precipitated, please." He asked, but she was determined.


	7. Chapter 7

**_July 4, 1938_ **

The darkness of the house reflected the darkness he felt growing within him. He was not a man given to many melancholy moments, at least that was what he liked to believe. Although from time to time he still allowed himself to wander about not too happy thoughts.

In the past few weeks, he had been allowing himself more and more to have such thoughts as he pondered why Audrey was dodging him, to want to leave, not to give _them_ a chance.

First he thought of her husband. Knowing, although superficially, that their marriage had been an experience with delicate and difficult moments, he thought that perhaps she no longer wanted to be involved with anyone. This line of thought was quickly refuted, after all, she had accepted Mr. Enderby's invitation to go out on a date a few months earlier.

It could only be Dorothy, Siegfried concluded. She didn't want to hurt her friend and it made perfect sense.

With so many women in the world why did he need to be interested precisely in one who was Audrey's friend? As if the situation was not already complicated enough, this detail made it even more so.

The atmosphere of the house reflected the mood of its inhabitants, and even Tristan and James could not escape unhurt from the influences, although them fled whenever possible. Perhaps with the intention of giving them opportunities to talk and maybe understand each other. It was what Siegfried wanted the most.

He peered down the hall, hoping to catch a glimpse of Audrey sitting on one of the dining table chairs or watching her come and go doing something, but there was no sign of her anywhere. It was better this way.

The living room was dingy and deserted. He had warned the boys he was going out that night, without giving further details.

When he arrived at Scarborough the sun was still high in the sky. The city was bathed in a fresh and salty sea breeze that was foreign to him, but which perfectly matched the beautiful sunny summer day. Dorothy was surprised to see him there. The two hugged each other cordially, exchanging greetings and he was relieved that she had not kissed him. Coward, he thought to himself, against all his self-esteem.

"Siegfried, what a surprise!" She said, genuinely happy to see him and took a step to the side, so that he could enter the house.

"Sorry to come out of the blue like this." He tried to smile and failed miserably.

“No need to be sorry about it. You should have told me you were coming so I could cook you dinner.” Smiling at him, Dorothy looked around the small living room, checking that everything was in place and in agreement to receive visitors. He wouldn't mind even if everything was turned upside down.

"I wouldn’t want to give you the trouble." His excuse sounded more serious than he intended and it captured Dorothy's attention.

Nestled on the small Siegfried sofa nervous and distressed by the lack of practice in dealing with matters of the heart, he was terrified of doing or saying anything that would hurt her. So he started by apologizing to her and was absolutely sincere.

Siegfried said that he had really taken an interest in her, that she made him feel alive again and that he was extremely grateful for that. He explained that his feelings and intensions in trying were real, that he was ready to work hard to make everything work, but at a certain point, which he did not know when exactly, he began to notice details in his domestic life that bothered him.

Watching Audrey withdraw and distance little by little each day was a constant concern. For the others it was imperceptible, he explained, and she tried very hard to disguise it, but it was there and he couldn't help but recognize it.

Missing someone who was by his side was something he did not expect to feel, but the feeling was emerging and over time he started to compare what he felt in the company of one and the other.

At that point, Dorothy raised her eyebrows and he didn't know if the gesture was pure curiosity or disbelief. Making comparisons about women to women was a terrible topic of conversation, but he couldn't help mentioning the comparisons he had made since thanks to them he was able to understand what he felt.

"I found myself wanting to go home, go back to Audrey's company." He said awkwardly and saw Dorothy nod in silence.

It was clear that she understood what he was getting at with all that speech, but he continued.

Siegfried explained that he felt confused about his own feelings and that he let the situation go on while trying to figure them out. That had been a serious mistake, he assumed. He was suddenly found jealous of Mr. Enderby.

“And right after that I started to feel I was cheating on her and that made me feel terrible. She didn't deserve this from me, and neither did you.”

Dorothy did not doubt when he said that Audrey never said anything about her feelings, nor did she act in any way that would interfere with their relationship. Siegfried had the impression that she was perhaps hiding something by the way she looked away from time to time. Of course, hearing all of that shouldn't be easy, but he didn't believe she had strong feelings for him.

She didn't look positively surprised when he told her about the ball. Nor how he may have detailed too much the way he found himself captured by the image of Audrey, mesmerized by her and the feelings he had been harboring for her, or how he realized on that occasion that he loved her and that all his reluctance and all of their contradictory feelings were the result of that love.

“I'm glad Aud has your love, Siegfried. If there’s anyone in this planet that deserves love and devotion is her. ” Dorothy smiled softly. “I would be lying if I say I didn’t suspect she might have feelings for you. I asked her, more the once. Aud always deflected, never gave me a concrete answer and yet she encouraged me to give you a chance. ”

"Something tells me she did that because she noticed you captivated me."

"That big heart of hers..." Dorothy grunted and he found himself agreeing. Audrey Hall had the biggest heart, ready to accept any and all suffering to save the people she loved. He paused, organizing his thoughts. So he apologized for giving in to the moment, although it was impossible and inevitable. Dorothy only smiled briefly.

Closing the story, he told how the situation had become complicated, how she felt ashamed, guilty and how she rejected him. Perhaps their relationship would never be what it was before, but he could not continue courting Dorothy and be unfaithful with his own feelings.

"I always thought that the bonds that bound me were with Evelyn..." The confession sounded low and melancholy.

Dorothy's hand found his and squeezed it gently. She understood what he meant. It took a while, but he finally realized that from the beginning, the sensation of feeling married was not tied to Evelyn. His wife had been gone for five years, he had loved her immensely, he had suffered her absence to the same extent, he had faced grief and reached another stage in his life. Without even noticing it, he had gotten over and restarted his life with Audrey Hall.

“We all made mistakes and contributed to this confusion. Give Aud some time, she has been through a lot and...” Dorothy paused. Siegfried's curiosity almost won him over and he almost didn't ask about what had happened to her, but he was afraid of what he might discover. If he were to know that he wanted her to tell. "I'm sure both of you will figure thing out."

When they said goodbye at the door, with a handshake and a mutual understanding that their brief relationship would be pleasant memories, Siegfried felt at peace for the first time in months.

...

The peaceful and quiet house never seemed so sad and empty. Audrey enjoyed her quiet moments, where she could turn on the radio and enjoy a well-earned rest after a long day at work. Her tranquility, however, had been replaced by an uncomfortable concern that night.

Whenever he left the house Siegfried would warn her, say where he would be and when he would return, but that evening he slipped away without saying anything, leaving her with her own conjectures and fears.

It didn't take a genius to know who he was with, not after the phone calls they received from Dorothy announcing her finally return from Malta.

Knowing that Siegfried was frustrated, Audrey tried to hide her frustration with resignation. Time would placate the feelings and life would go on, even if she took him with her in her heart wherever she went. Staying in Skeldale would only make it more difficult.

Gradually the answers to her letters were arriving in the mail. Siegfried stared at the envelopes every time a new one arrived and ended up leaving his breakfast unfinished, leaving the kitchen in a hurry with the excuse that he was late. Tristan and James had given up trying to understand his replants and did not seem aware of her desire to leave. Her eyes followed him and she felt her heart sink in her chest every time. She hated seeing him hurt, even though she felt the same way.

His discontent seemed to reflect on his prayers.

Sitting at the dining table, she analyzed the answers. Many positions had already been filled, some of the interviews had proved useless. Nobody seemed willing to hire a person without references. Not that Siegfried had refused to give references to her, but she didn't have the heart to ask for them. Of the vacancies that were still open, almost all seemed to have some unpleasant little details. Very close to Darrowby, very close to Scarborough, by the sea, very large cities, tiny villages... Creating obstacles, Audrey's conscious and subconscious handled a constant battle. At the same time that she felt that leaving was necessary, everything else seemed to conspire for her to stay. Deep down, Audrey just didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave the house, the boys and the city. I didn't want to give it up on him.

The clock turned nine-fifteen at night when she heard the Rover's engine and quickly picked up the letters, stacking them anyway. She leaned back in her chair and joined her hands on the table top. Beside her, Jess looked at her curiously, but ran to receive her owner when the door was opened.

"Evening, Mrs. Hall." Siegfried emerged from the living room in a light, relaxed mood that she had not seen for several weeks.

"Have you eaten?" She watched him stop in front of her, his hands resting on the back of the empty chair. The two faced each other. Communication between them had been reduced to that. Amenities and what is strictly necessary.

“Not yet. I was hoping you had saved dinner for me. ” He said with a brief smile and a shrug.

As if he didn't know her... Of course she had saved dinner for him. For them actually. The boys had gone to meet Maggie and Helen and she wasn't hungry, so she decided to wait.

"Sit, I'll be right back." She saw him nod excitedly before leaving, wondering why he was so excited. What would have happened, she wondered, but she quickly pushed that traitorous thought out of her mind.

Siegfried being excited was a good sign. Things going well between them was all she could wish for. Hopefully, he would forget that madness about having feelings for her and rebuild his own life with Dorothy. And she... Well, sooner or later she would find a new job.

When she returned, carrying two ready-made plates and cutlery on a tray, she found Siegfried with a glass of whiskey between his fingers while absentmindedly fumbling with her letters. He did not try to hide what he was doing and when he saw that she was bringing a plate to herself, he gave her an inquiring look, which he disguised by gesturing towards the bottles.

"Can I pour you some?"

"Please."

Siegfried's glass was placed on the table while he, spinning on his heels in a fluid motion, which she couldn't help but watch, poured her a dose before bringing the glass and bottle to the table.

They sat down and started eating in silence.

"Tristan and James?" Siegfried asked suddenly. Knowing him as she knew him, she knew he wouldn't try to strike up a conversation. It was inevitable

"Out on a dinner double date." She just answered, not wanting to take the bait. The last few attempts at conversations between them had been disastrous and like fireflies trapped in a mason jar, they flew in circles.

“Good. Good for them.” Tapping his fingers on the table, he pointed with his fork at the food. “You’ve outdone yourself, Mrs. Hall. This is delicious.” There was nothing different about the meat and vegetable stew that night. In fact it was a dish she used to make quite usually and yet she still found herself smiling briefly.

"Thank you, Mr. Farnon."

Their eyes met and she saw impatience building in him. She didn't want to tease him, not intentionally. All Audrey wanted was to at least have his company for dinner, that was enough. His head tilted slightly to the left and in an absentminded motion he spun the whiskey into the glass.

"Were you waiting for me?" He asked softly. _Yes._

"I wasn’t hungry." The words were said with ease. It was true, she was too worried about his disappearance to be hungry. "Suppose I should eaten something sooner or later, go to bed with an empty belly won’t do any good."

Siegfried nodded slowly, turning his attention to his plate and allowing silence to dominate the room again. During those charged silences, the abyss that formed between them and that grew day by day became more evident.

"This is not going the way you’ve hopped for, is it?" Siegfried's words brought her out of her thoughts and she saw him point to the letters. Oh, there we go again, she thought annoyed.

That comment had a tone of satisfaction masked with pretended disinterest. He knew very well that her plans to leave weren’t going on the way she hopped.

"It takes time." She simply replied.

"Right." The tone of satisfaction became more obvious and she looked at him sidelong.

Unable to contain it, Audrey found herself asking, “What about you? Working late?”

“Not really. I was out on a social call. ” His lips curved in a smile so wide that it bothered her. No, more than that. Much more than thar. Well, she asked for it, didn't she? "I visited Scarborought today, to see Dorothy." His tone is pure teasing. He was having fun and trying to get some reaction out of her.

Audrey, despite the countless responses that prickled on the tip of her tongue, just nodded before returning to concentrate on her dinner. Feeling his eyes on her, she knew that Siegfried was studying her with attention and curiosity.

She knew he was with Dorothy, she was already sure of that, as she was also sure that she wanted the two of them to be happy together. Still, why did having that confirmation from him bother her so much? Why did her stomach feel tight and the urge to question it? Hadn't he said he had feelings for her?

As much as she wanted to, she couldn't help feeling herself being eaten away by jealousy.

The minutes passed and the only noise in the dining room, other than the ticking of the clock, was the cutlery.

"Don’t you want to know?" He finally asked when they finished dinner and sat back with their glasses of whiskey refilled.

"Why would I?" Audrey replied, seriously and they stared at each other for a long moment.

Siegfried looked away and nodded. Whatever was going through his head, it didn't look good. The excitement he exulted minutes earlier disappeared and he sighed, running his left hand through his hair, before stroking his own beard.

Audrey seriously thought about making an excuse, getting up and collecting dinner stuff, just to get away, but she was rooted in that chair and stayed there until he sighed a second time.

“Alright. I get it, you have made you decision. You want to leave. You think this is the best for ‘all of us’, as you said to me. But in fact I think my decision was the best for all of us.”

Siegfried declared. Contrary to his common behavior of boasting of his prowess and intelligence, his words were devoid of any arrogance.

“And what decision was that, if you don’t mind asking me?” Audrey asked defiantly, never imagining that he would have done anything to damage his relationship with Dorothy since she had made it clear that something between them would not happen. 

"I told Dorothy about my feelings for you." Audrey heard her own heartbeat sound inside her ears, disbelieving his confession. “Funny that all I’ve wanted to tell you I’ve ended up telling her.” Siegfried completed with an ironic chuckle.

“You didn’t…” The words had escaped her completely.

"I did and Dorothy had her own suspicions about your feeling for me." Audrey had believed that Dorothy never suspected that she might have feelings for him. If she knew or at least suspected... “All of us made mistakes and all I did was to correct mine. I couldn’t keep courting Dorothy when I’m in love with someone else.”

“Mr. Farnon, I don’t think you have thought this…”Audrey tried again to interrupt his speech.

"Stop, please, Audrey." He interrupted her and she was silent, although her mouth was open. Siegfried rested his arms on the table and leaned forward slightly, looking at the whiskey in the bottom of his glass. “You don’t have to accept my feelings. I did what I should have done months ago when I found myself having dinner with her and thinking about _you_.” His eyes went back to her. Audrey felt a mixture of disbelief, uncertainty, sadness, relief and nausea. Blinking her eyes fiercely, she failed to clear her blurry view. “I’m aware that you don’t want to hear this, but _I love you_ and I’m sorry it took me five years to realize you were _the one for me_.” Her mind registered everything with a surprisingly slow pace.

Siegfried swallowed the rest of the whiskey and turned to her. Audrey waited for him to hold her hand, to try again to break part of the wall she had built between them with his touch, but he did none of that. He was determined, resigned, obstinate even with his decisions.

“Think about what you want and need. If after some thought you still believe you should move on I’ll accept, even though I’m sure this won’t do any good, but...” He shrugged. “I’ll wait and for you, as long as you need and I do hope that you choose to stay here with me, that you choose us.”

She sniffed and lowered her head. It was not possible to answer anything at that moment, they both knew it. Siegfried got up and went to the living room, leaving her alone seconds before the tears finally overflowed.

With a quick movement, Audrey wiped them away with the certainty that her thoughts would only become more troubled from that moment on.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it and thanks for reading.


End file.
